Expectations

I live my life with a lot of unrealistic expectations.

Granted, I think that some of these unrealistic expectations are what motivates me.  My husband and I have a lot of drive, we like to run to the next best thing and pursue growth and success.  Unfortunately we do these things to a fault.  We tend to be overly busy and probably miss a lot of really great small moments if we aren't careful.

My expectations have been rocked as of late.

I thought that having a baby just meant adding more love and joy to your life.  Sure I would be a little sleep deprived, and sure it would change our marriage.  But really, I like challenges.  Bring it on.

Little did I know that I pushed out my brain with the child.  I didn't expect to be completely overwhelmed by laundry, or to be dumb enough to put the registration sticker on the wrong car so that my husband came home with an expired license ticket.  Nope, didn't expect those things.  I did expect to drop all my pregnancy weight instantly, too bad that didn't happen either.

I also didn't expect my momma bear instinct to come out so strongly, or for this little guy to be able to melt me so quickly.  Of course I knew I would love my child, but I did not understand the meaning of the word "smitten" until he came into my life.  Grayson, mommy is truly, and utterly, smitten with you.  From your chimples (he currently has chin pimples), to your snorty stridor when you eat, I cannot get enough of you.

I also did not expect for the birth of my son to make me fall more madly in love with my husband.  We are not the mushy gushy type, so that previous sentence sounds a bit cheesy and fake to me, but it is completely true.  Seeing Jon love our son has given me a whole other side of him to get to know and love.  Watching him step up during the delivery and in my mental break downs there after, has shown me how far we have come from the high school prom couple we began as.  I am so grateful that instead of growing up and growing apart, we have grown up together.

When my mom had her original heart attack, I expected her to make a full recovery.  I expected her to bounce back and for our lives to continue basically as they had.  I was grateful for my rude awakening into how I need to appreciate life, but really, not much was going to change.

That expectation has be shot to high heaven.  Over the course of my mom's last few months of her life, I have continually had to learn to shift my expectations   And honestly, I suck at it.  I don't know how to find the balance between having hope and faith, and being realistic.  I tend to function in the "set your sights low to be pleasantly surprised mentality." But time and time again, God has proven to me that this does not serve me and is not the best way to live my life.

I can remember being annoyed when they wanted my mom to use a walker.

Please excuse my overly honest statement.  I didn't want a disabled mother or grandmother.

I wanted my hip, cooking, gardening, 53 year old momma back, and all in one piece.  Thankyouverymuch.

Obviously, my expectations have changed.  I will take and celebrate the days when my mom is able to sit up in bed or come to the table to play cards.  I will celebrate the days that she doesn't puke and feels like herself.  I will celebrate every single snuggle she gets with Grayson.  I will celebrate my mom because she is so much more than those hip things I once thought defined her.

This limbo land between life and death is a hard place to have any expectations.  So instead I am going to try to hold onto the moment.  To take absolutely nothing for granted.  Which is why yesterday I took a three hour nap with my mom and my son.  It was perfection.  I cried afterwards because I don't have a way to bottle that up and give it to Grayson later in life when he can remember it.

Moment by moment we will walk through this holiday season.  Lots of tears, hope, and love await us.  What a difficult but truly rich and meaningful road.

My mom took this picture of Grayson and I.  I love it.