Friday, June 28, 2013

Baby's First Year

I have stunk it up at keeping track of Grayson's firsts and milestones.  I haven't written anything in the baby book or sent any emails to the account I made.  Documentation is not my strong suit.  So it's pretty funny that I have a whole box of over-priced scrap-booking crap in the basement.  Want to know how many scrapbooks I've made?  2.

You know what milestone I have mentally seared in my head at the moment?  We are on night 6 of sleeping through the night.  Hallelujah.

I forgot what it is like, and now question why people want to have more kids and start that process over...kind of.  I still want more kids.  My baby no longer feels like a baby, but rather a boy with a great sense of adventure.

I have lost a good deal of my writing momentum.  Writing had served as a way for me to process, and honestly I am ready to just breathe.  I will still cry when the wave hits and remember my mom when the OscarMeyerWienerMobile drives by, or I hear the ice cream truck.  But there are days when the sting is less and the joy runs deeper.  Not because I am forgetting, but because I am healing.  It feels good to heal, and scary.  It's scary to get further and further away from the days when she was alive and part of my life, but there is peace in the fact that with each day that passes I am closer to seeing her again.  I know she is OK.  I know she is celebrating with her Savior.  And I am OK too.  At least today.

I think my writing may start to shift.  It may be more about my process and struggles in parenting and marriage and home ownership.  It may be more about the ridiculous stuff that runs through my head throughout the day.  It may take me a little while to find my voice again, but hopefully I will get my writing groove back.

I might write more about that little love bug in my life, because then I will actually be able to tell him about his firsts.  So please feel free to skip through the boring posts if you want.  

I'm just learning to let go of scrap-booking Jaci.  Did you know I am not superwoman?  Because for a while I thought I was.  Humility isn't always my strong suit.  I thought I could do it all...but I'm learning that I would rather do less, well.  I would rather wrestle my boy than cut out little letters and stickers and arrange it all on a pretty page.  It just doesn't fill me up and my time is limited.  As time seems more and more sacred, I would like to slow down and breathe it in.  I want to savor the little moments with Grayson instead of feeling like I have to do it all.  It is OK to rest.  It is OK to just be.  It is OK to not get it all done. I am slowly learning to prioritize and figure out what does fill me up.  Sometimes my head is really thick.

The house was a mess, but the weather was nice.  So we hung out in the splash pool.

Here's to hoping for night 7.  A week of sleep.  Holy Guacamole.

Saturday, June 8, 2013


June has been rough.  I feel restricted in life based on my number of weight watcher points as well as our new budget.  Both necessary but restricting and annoying none the less.

My little babe seems more like a little man now that he has a tooth and is almost 8 months old.

I didn't anticipate June being any different.  I didn't think it would be harder than May, but for one reason or another it is.  Grief has it's own agenda.

Mother's day was filled with wonderful distractions being surrounded by some dear friends in Florida.  I let the tears fall as we went to a Cirque show and I underestimated what being on any Disney grounds would do to my soul. I never really counted downtown Disney as part of Disney World, but as we walked by the many shops and roads I have walked arm in arm with my mom, I could no longer swallow the lump in my throat.  My friends put their arms around me and we kept walking.  Because that is what you do in life.  You remember, you cherish, you grieve, and you keep walking.  Those were good memories.  It was good to be close to a place that she loved on Mother's Day.

Does anyone else get incredibly overwhelmed by the card aisle?  It is my sister's 23rd birthday.  So card shopping last night was an event. I know the perfect card is always out there, I just have to find it.  So I scour and I debate, and then I find it and it is way too much money ($8.99 for a piece of paper with glitter on it, are you kidding me?!?) I determine the next best card is out there. I had to take a few moments to breathe as I walked passed all the "birthday cards for mom."  I never get to give her another birthday card.  Ouch.  Breathe. Keep walking.

I love cards.  I used to save all of them.  I have since been able to let generic ones go, but many the good ones are like a piece of treasure to me.  I love how others can use words to say exactly what I'm feeling, or how something so simple can make me laugh out loud in the store aisle.  And honestly I love the ones with little gems or doused in glitter.  I just love the sparkle.  I love all the cards I have from my mom.  Many from her to Grayson still reside on my fridge.  She knew that cards were a way to my heart, and she always found the best ones.  I love that other people are willing to sit in that aisle and debate on my behalf, trying to figure out what will speak to my soul and let me know that I am loved.

I should make my mid year resolution to actually mail out more cards.  Finding cards, I'm great at, actually getting things in the mail, not so much. So my goal for this week is to send out the cards from my mom's memorial service...only 4 months late.  Looking through the list of people that attended brings tears to my eyes.  Many left a name with no address, so I cannot send a card.  Many envelopes I lost with the return address, so again, no card.  I hate sending out these generic cards with no sparkle.  I want people to know and hear our gratitude, but man these cards are boring.  Confetti inside the envelope might be a bit inappropriate.  So I will just stick with the generic on this one, but please know I wanted to send a sparkle card with a hug inside.  I wanted to send a card with something that would make people laugh.  I want people to truly know and feel our gratitude, because to this day, I cannot get over how people loved us.

How do I keep that going? How do I keep swimming in the river of love and invite more people in? (I'm picturing a river a red glitter and hearts where we are all splashing gleefully...I hope one day I have a daughter to share my love of glitter and sparkle.)  I know that sounds cheesy, but I think the last year is how I want to live my entire life.  I want to be intentional.  I want to give to others what so many people gave to me.  I want to be an open book where people can add to my pages and join in the story.

I think June is hard because it is when everything changed last year.  Yes, my mom died in February, but June is when I moved into the hospital.  June is when the roller coaster ride began.  June is when my mom had her heart attack and we had no idea.  June is when my mom started to flirt with death.  So this June, all the pain feels fresh and raw.

So I will keep walking.  Today I will walk while I cry. Maybe I will cry tomorrow to, we will see.  Because today I miss my mom.  I'm sad that the good memories feel farther away than the bad.  Today I'm just sad, and that's OK.

My cutie in Florida and some of my dearest friends.