Friday, May 25, 2012

3 Bedroom house? You need 3 refrigerators.

Right now we have two refrigerators in the kitchen.  The appliance saga continues, and gets more comical as we go.  After living with the toaster over for the past couple weeks, we finally had the new oven hooked up.  If you know my husband and I very well, you know how much we love frozen pizza.  So in the 95 degree heat without our AC window units in, we decided to light the stove that just got hooked up.  I walk back into the kitchen 30 minutes later to feel like I had been transported to Hades.  Apparently the stove is unable to turn off.  Preheating was a joke in it's book, and it continued to heat to what I am guessing was more than 800 degrees.  So we will be replacing the stove.  Again.  In the mean time we haven't taken out the old working refrigerator when we put in the one to match the stove that we are now getting rid of. There is also one in the basement in the second "kitchen," with the other stove I am afraid will burn the house down if I use it.

So I have a new set of priorities in my life.  One must have as many stoves, and refrigerators as they do bedrooms.  If not, you are a slacker.

We have company coming over today.  I asked Jon if there is any way we can remove said second refrigerator from the kitchen out to the garage.  He thinks we can do it together.  Que Will Smith... "Just the two of us...we can make it if we try."

Or not.

His response was "Strong like bull."

My response, "Fat like pig."  Ain't happening honey.  While your stubborn wife balks at being told she is incapable of doing something while pregnant, I am admitting defeat here.  I'll move a shelf or two.

Also, I have had paint in my hair for over a week. Patients point it out, and I have showered multiple times in the past week.  Still there.  It's the white paint from the trim.  Maybe when I dye my hair this week, it will just dye the paint and I can get over it.

I may have done the worm this weekend.  You know that dance move where you slap your belly on the floor multiple times and use muscles in your arms you forgot you had as you swan dive towards your face?  Yea, that one.  Before the weekend, didn't really look pregnant.  Well, I popped.  Probably because of the worm.  My bad.  Just want to make sure baby knows how to dance and I promise I didn't look this pregnant when I commenced my dance off.

Happy weekend!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Common Thread

These past couple weeks have been a rough season for us, and I don't think we are walking out of the valley yet.  I am pretty upfront and honest about that with friends and family.  Most of the time I can move past the venting and bitching and get to the deep down crap that I really am petrified to admit.  I just hate going there.

What if we can't provide for our children.
What if my marriage isn't as strong as I thought it was.
What if my friends will judge me when I pull up with my crappy two door car to take my baby home in from the hospital.
What if our friends won't visit us once we have a baby.
What if I am really all alone.

Deep dark place, I know. But if I admit it...those are my fears as I am arguing with my husband about buying a pair of jeans, or as I am sitting on my basement stairs sobbing watching the water pour in through the window well.  Do I want to live in a pretty pottery barn house, kinda, but I know that I am a sucker for consumerism and really what I want is to know that I'm O.K, that we are O.K.  That my marriage is going to be O.K.  And that this baby isn't going to be screwed with us as parents.  And deeper than all of that I want to know that God is still here and that this is still the plan.  That my life has a purpose and a direction.  If I was able to catch my breath, the basement was pretty funny.  We bought this house knowing it had "seepage."  Maybe I should have looked up the definition of the word.  My bad.  I didn't think it meant streams, but whatever.

As crappy as I feel while I oscillate between tears and awkward laugh, I also feel this place of peace.  Just in the last couple hours, up until then.  No peace.  None, nada, zip.  Just despair and bitching.  So please forgive me friends if you were on any of the receiving ends of that.  Forgive me if I wasn't able to admit my deeper truths to you and ask you to just hug me as I cry my eyes out.  It's just so hard to admit sometimes.

Today I found peace that I am not alone.  As I hear my friend all shook up on the other end of the phone because she was just in a car accident.  Or as I talk to other friends about how hard marriage can be, and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you still feel wrecked at the end of the day. Or as I sat here and cried reading sweet Connor's blog and his experience with the bone marrow transplant.  There seems to be this common thread that sometimes you forget in the comfort and day to day busyness.  A thread so thin it's hard to notice unless you pay attention.  And I will admit right now, it is hard to get my attention.  I am head strong and stead fast, and my ability to slow down, sucks.

But it's there.  Like spider web silk. All shiny and glittery (because everyone knows by now how much I like shine and glitter).  We are all connected together by this thin thread.  By our deep heart ache and our deep joy.  By our fear as parents, and our hope for our children and this world.  By our love for our friends and family, and what lights our hearts on fire when we hear of injustices of this world.  By the fist that grabs our hearts and brings tears to our eyes when we hear about people taking on and conquering those injustices.  By our regrets and our ambitions.  By our humanity.  There really is a God orchestrating what seems to be this hot mess, and when I am finally broken enough to see it, it's really beautiful.  Hard, sad, scary, deep, full, rich, and beautiful.

So today I might end up crying some more, but I will cling to this thread.  I will again gain some perspective as I hold a sweet baby that knows nothing but love, and as I pray over the one in my belly.  I will revel in the time I get with friends from far away, and I will let go.  I will feel the fear and then I will let it go.  I'm sure it will come back, but it doesn't have to own me.  Because I am not alone.  God is still here, He is still good, and ultimately, I am OK.  Thanks for holding onto the other end of the thread.

Jon and I saw this on a street corner in the city one night.  I like it.

I attached Connor's blog on my side bar.  Please feel free to go show him some love and send Steph and Steve some encouragement.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Been Awhile

It's been a couple weeks since I have had anything nice today, so I haven't said anything at all.  That whole welcome to home ownership is like going home to fat camp.  More work than you ever thought you signed on for.  In the first three weeks of home owning, we experienced gas leaks, basement flooding, new car problems, and some other fun stuff.  I don't want to be known as a whiner so I decided it was best to not blog and rant and rave...until now...just kidding.

Better to just start sobbing when you tell your husband your growing ass no longer fits in your jeans and he asks you to wear more sweats and dresses.  My threshold is low, what can I say.  (I have since talked to my husband and borrowed some jeans from my sister, all is well, or well-ish at least).  

Things get put into perspective when you slap an ultrasound wand on your belly and see that you really are still pregnant even though the nausea has passed you you only look like you are carrying a muffin top.  

I will eventually post some pictures up of the house, as soon as I actually complete a project or two and there are not two refrigerators in the kitchen, or boxes all over the floor.  Luckily we have company coming this weekend, I'm hoping it will get me to a new level of motivation to make this place more like a home.  

Is it just me or does it stink to spend money on things like electrical panels and basement sealing?  I want to spend money on pretty curtains and rugs, where I can see the evidence of my money on a daily basis and smile as I sink my toes into it.  Flipping a blown fuse just doesn't have the same feel for me.

So for the next couple weeks I will chose to hold onto hope.  I will try to keep the hormones in check and keep laughing with my coworkers and family. I will keep having hard conversations with my husband, and I will probably just sit on the stairs and cry again the next time I walk into the basement after a flash flood/hail storm.  Apparently, when I am pregnant that is my only coping skill, I've lost the rest.  At least I can laugh about it later.

I am so excited to have some good friends come stay with us this weekend and to connect with other friends throughout the week.  I can't wait to get my baby cheek kissing on with sweet Ty.  It's totally not cool to live so far away from such good friends.  I might also be plotting a way to get them to move back.  Just saying.   

I haven't disappeared, and I'll hopefully be back with more soon.  Happy Wednesday.