Saturday, May 28, 2011


I haven't wanted to write at all lately because I have been down.  Or blue.  Or sad.  Or I have no the idea what the heck to call it, but my mental chant to focus on the positive just hasn't been cutting it as of late.  And I have been scared to share with people where I am really at.  Scared that they will get sick of hearing about it.  That they will get sick of asking how I am, because I am not good at lying.  Sick of hearing about the hours I don't think I can work one more week.  Sick of hearing about the financial hell-hole we dug ourselves into with grad school. (Sometimes the delusional part of me wishes that was credit card debt instead so I would have an awesome pair of jeans to show for it and at least my butt could look awesome, but I digress.)  So instead of sharing and letting people share the burden, I have retreated and isoloated.  Probably for the first time in my life.  This is not my typical M.O. and I really didn't want to write it down and document that I have been mastering the art of isolation. 

However, I tend to drive the truth bus when I talk to other people, so I am going to start driving it into myself.  While it is currently easier to be alone, it really isn't good for me.  I need to spend time with friends who are willing to seek me out and listen one more time when I tell them where I am honestly at.  When I tell them that the feelings seem so much bigger than my logic.  I know I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams (minus the good butt jeans...kidding), but for one reason or another there is something rooted deep in me that just feels like total crap and I'm still figuring out what it is. 

If I haven't called in a while, or it seems like I've pulled away...I'm sorry and keep pursuing.  I'm walking back, I just tend to rock the baby steps.  I kinda think posts suck without pictues, so maybe this boring post will motivate me to upload some pictures to my new computer, or *gasp* take some new ones. :)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

In Between

I don't really like the in between.  Fresh mowed grass = awesome. Long tall wild grass = awesome.  The in between lawn that looks like it hasn't been mowed for weeks filled with dandelions...not so cool.  Short spunky hair cut = awesome.  Long luxurious locks = awesome.  The in between "I'm growing my hair out and this middle stage sucks" = not awesome. 

I'm finding it hard for me to sit and be content with my life at the moment because it still feels like one massive transition.  I am a type A goal setter, always striving for the best, even when I have what is good.  It is hard for me to slow down.  As of late I feel that I am better at taking in the small moments and finding joy in the little things.  However, the focus on the in between can crush me like a semi-truck because it makes me feel as though I am trapped.  I love my job.  I love nursing, and I love labor and delivery.  I hate the hours that I work at.  The eight hour night shift has taken a toll on my body and my emotions.  I envy those who can swing the night shift and swing it well.  I think it may be a good option once I have kids if I was able to do it part time, but in the mean time I feel like my body is revolting and I am continually only functioning at 70%.  I need my other 30% back and I don't know what to do about it.  I love the fast paced environment of the hospital and currently can't imagine myself working in an office, so we will see what transpires, but I feel like this is a transition because I don't think I can do this long term.

I feel like my marriage and small family life are in a transition as well.  The hubs is is building a practice and not sure what will develop out of his contracted part time job.  All of which is slightly unsettling for the planner in me. Not at all sure about our income over the next year...awesome.   I have been wanting to start a family, but because I feel like I have no clue what the next 6 months of our lives will look like, I don't feel like it would be the responsible thing to do at this point. Another transition.

My extended family is in a large season of change.  There are moves in many of our relative futures which would mess with me a little.  We are a somewhat abnormal family that sees each other more than most.  While these habits would still be maintainable, it would include a lot more drive time.  Not a bad thing, just another transition and many prayers that the price of gas goes down.  Bling Bling.

Very little feels settled at this time in our lives.  I am trying to change my thought patterns and be in the moment while still searching and striving to find balance and solutions.  Every now and then the ugly cry slips through and I realize the wealth of anxiety and fear that I bury throughout the week.    We live a beautiful and blessed life that I wouldn't trade in for the world, but living in the in between is a big challenge for me.  So I will try to focus on the beauty in the dandelions and maybe even make a crown out of them or make a wish when I blow off the seeds.  Maybe the lawn will be mowed next week.  My guess is that this is what life will always looks like, and I will have to give in to the unknown, knowing that there is a plan for my life and it is just an adventure I get to be a part of.  Time to get some perspective.