Sob, Eat, Regret, Repeat 3/10/12

That seems to be the cycle of my pregnancy.  Only I just eat fruit smoothies because it is the only thing that sounds good at all.  And after the fact, I usually don't feel very good anyways, so maybe I should just branch out and stop trying to drink all of my calories :)

I think the hardest thing thus far is being in the car.  I have never had motion sickness in my life.  That should have been my first clue when I felt so sick driving up to a retreat before we knew we were pregnant.  Ding Ding Ding Jaci, something is going on.  We were driving to a friends house last night and I rode with a gallon zip lock bag, at which point my husband pointed out that if I puke in a clear bag he will surely puke all over the car.  So instead I rolled my window down and hung my green head on the edge of it like a dog.  Awesome.  Glad I could make it a half hour.  We were planning a road trip next weekend, I no longer think that is such a bright idea.

The craziest thing about being pregnant is the dreams.  Last night I was in the mafia and trying to get out and save the world.  A couple nights before that someone was force feeding me mayo.  I hate mayonnaise with a passion.  Disgusting.  I must have been really nauseous in my sleep, so that is what I dreamed about.  Was that ever a joy to wake up from.

The other day I was crying about something and Jon told me he loved me as I was pulling myself together.  Then he proceeded to say, as he rubbed my belly, "and I love You." At which point I burst back into my sob fest at the thought that he already loves that little blueberry in my belly.  Can we say stereotypical?  Hormones are like drugs.  Strong drugs.  Which filter your reality and make it all blurry and a little crazy.

All of that to say that I'm so happy.  Happy to feel like total crap because it feels reassuring to me that there is a peanut growing inside.  It reminds me that even though no one will know for a couple more weeks, I really am pregnant and that our lives are about to change.  And I'm happy to be able to laugh at myself, because if I couldn't, I would seriously be screwed.

Cheers to traveling with crackers and a ziplock bag for the next couple weeks.  You are a trouble maker little Bo-Bo Noto.

Secret

I am normally really good at keeping secrets.  This one, however, I want to scream from roof tops, and it's taking all of my will power to not spill the beans.  We are pregnant and due in October.  I obviously don't want to share it with everyone until we are much further than week 5, but I wanted to write down my reactions for my own sake for later.  I'm not really in a blogging rut, I just can't share the one thing consuming all of my thoughts.

I keep waffling between elation and fear.  Elation that we were able to conceive and that we are going to be parents, and fear that it might not come true, knowing full well how many people miscarry and afraid I might be one of them.  I also have a tender place in my heart for all of my friends trying to conceive and struggling with it.  How do I share it?  How do I let them know that I still hurt with them but  I am grateful they can be a blessing to our baby-to-be's life.  I just don't have the right words.

There is also a lacking of words for me to tell my baby to be.  How excited I was when I peed on that stick and didn't even have to wait 5 seconds till I knew it was positive, but I ran out and played the "wait three minutes" game with Jon, deep down knowing the line was faint immediately and would confirm my hopes and dreams when we walked back in the bathroom.  Or that know that we are buying a house I am struggling with what school district I want to own in.  There are some wonderful school districts with some wonderful taxes to go along with them, but I think there is a lot more to learn in life than academics and that I don't want my babe growing up thinking that the northwest suburbs are normal, when actually they are quite privileged.  My world is shifting, my thoughts are shifting, and my heart is growing so soft.

Also, my brain is melting.  The other day I was sobbing my face off (before we knew I was pregnant) because Jon didn't help me clean the house.  I didn't ask him to help either.  In my head my normal voice was saying, "What are you doing? Take a breath and get over it.  He said he would help you whack job.  Stop crying."  But on the outside I just kept doing the ugly cry and wondering if this is a new level of crazy I get to experience as a parent.  Utter disconnect from logic and emotion.  Awesome.  Can't wait for more of that.

I think my favorite part of being pregnant is the fact that I am never alone.  Granted, right now I keep company with an apple seed sized tadpole, but it matters.  What I eat, what I do, how I take care of myself, it all matters because it isn't just about me.  I don't think I have ever eaten so healthy in my life as I have in the past week.

I am dying to go on Pinterest and start looking at pictures of nurseries, but that would surely give me away.  So I'll wait it out.

So instead I will try to make some crafts on my own.  To revel in these early days of pregnancy with "Bo-Bo." (the hilarious nickname we have given our unborn)  I will say prayers over my belly and try to not actually puke as the waves of nausea roll.  I will try desperately to not give it away at work, where people ask on a daily basis if I am pregnant yet.  I guess that is what comes with working in a labor and delivery unit (speaking of which I can't wait to deliver with all my friends as the people caring for me.  I don't think there could be a better experience.)

The biggest downside to being pregnant.  I can't sleep.  So I am going to justify sitting on my butt all afternoon reading a good book before I go into work tonight.  Have a wonderful day and I can't wait to share this journey.

Update:  Here is my early ultrasound alien looking photo.  A bit creepy, but everybody loves their own creep :)

Insert Foot in Mouth ***Oh wait, it tastes good***

Remember that town house we were all ready to close on.  I take it back.  Appaently because we were still in the tail end of the attorney approval process, because we were picking between two closing dates, the seller pulled out for unknown reasons.  We didn't see it coming.  The realtor and the lender said they had never seen a seller pull out at this point before.  Awesome.

This really isn't the end of the world, it hurt a bit to be out the $800 for the inspection and the appraisal, but the kicker is that we already broke our lease and have to be out by April 14.  I'm sure we can crash at some lovely person's house, but the thought of moving all of our stuff into a storage unit to then move again at an unknown date makes me want to yack.

***Side note, I started this blog post last Saturday after losing the town house last Friday.  I decided I was in too crabby of a mood to share my thoughts with anyone and walked away.  I didn't want to just moan and groan.  This girl needed some serious perspective and time to think.***

I am so grateful that I feel a world away from last weekend.  That Saturday we went to see a bunch more town homes, with absolutely no luck. I was done and burnt out.  Our sweet Realtor has been such a source of strength through this whole en devour. Saturday night a three bedroom home popped up in a town we never thought we would be able to afford a home in, one suburb outside the Chicago city limits. I sent it over to the Realtor and she convinced us to see it on Sunday, much to my dismay.  So we saw it on Sunday, and after our time warp back to 1960 we decided we really loved it.  It needs updating and some TLC, but it has great bones.  We put in an offer that night and it was accepted within hours. The inspection last Tuesday showed no major flaws.  A single family home, in our price range, in an awesome community.  I am still floored.  Of course I kept reiterating to myself that there was a plan and that God was in control, but there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it.  I really wanted to wallow and cry for a good long day.  I didn't want to believe that there would be something better, that we could really be blessed beyond what we already found, or even more than that, that God might want us to be a bit more uncomfortable for a little while.  I surely didn't want to believe that.  When really, we have it so good and even having to crash at someone's place for a little while wouldn't have been a big deal.  (Like I said I couldn't really think straight last weekend).

In the end I am once again astounded by God's goodness.  While this house might also be taken away, the experience has allowed us to deepen our faith and learn to trust more.  We felt so loved by the family and friends that have offered to let us live with them, or even more, have offered to store our stuff.  We might  need to still take them up on that depending on our closing date.  It's so hard for me to ask for help, but I am slowly learning.  We will be asking for more help once we are ready to take on some projects in this beauty of a home.  Anyone have experience in ripping out massive bushes or awnings?

At first I regretted telling people about the town home, but really, it is a part of our lives.  While I love talking about life's glittery moments, that isn't really the whole picture. This experience gave us a chance to grow.  This whole foot in my mouth tastes delicious, who would have known.  While it was a rough weekend, we have really ended up in a much better spot, and I am still not really over it.  You know what else I am not over, that brown stove is called an "Ultramatic."  I don't even use one burner too often, not sure why anyone would want six.  So feel free to come on over in a few weeks and I'll cook on my motha-of-a stove for you.  Goat Fest will be held at yet another location.

I am ready for the permanence of buying a house.  I never thought my moving loving self, would say that, but it is time to grow some roots.  To invest in a community and meet some more neighbors.

Holding onto hope that there is a plan, whether this is it, or not.

Blessed

Lately I have been just floored by how blessed we are.

Blessed to be buying a town house in a beautiful neighborhood, to have jobs we love, and family and friends that love us.

I watched the YouTube video about Joseph Kony and the children soldiers and I was just blown away.  Blown away by how quickly we forget how good we have it.  How we are in the privileged percentage of the world.

Don't you feel like you need a constant reminder?  Like I should tattoo it on my fingers.  Not to make my feelings or fears little, but to keep it all in perspective and to organize my priorities as such.  To remember to pray for those I don't even know.  To remember to give of my time and my money relentlessly, because it matters.  Because it can save a life and it can make a difference.  To remember to block out the propaganda that can convince me in a whooping 2 seconds that I need those expense jeans because they would make my butt look small or my waist look thin.

You know why else I am blessed, because when I work tonight, I only have to work 11 hours thanks to daylight savings time.  Whoop Whoop!

We negotiated an offer on a townhouse last week.  We have the inspection on Monday.  It is gorgeous, and move in ready, and it feels like it is in the boondocks.  Really it is only 30 minutes north of my job, but it feels super far away. Honestly it took me a while to get over buying a town house.  Like I was entitled to a house.  We work hard, why can't I have it?  Maybe because we both went back to school and need to pay off that debt first...  But I have peace about our decision.  Peace to buy something in our price range that doesn't need a ton of work up front.  (Most of the homes we were looking at in the neighborhoods we wanted looked like total crap.  I love me a good project, but it was a ton to take on, and I felt like we would never know when the next thing would break).

I feel like I shouldn't be sharing the news until we close, but I want to revel in the excitement and the newness.  And it feels official when they slap that pending sign on the internet listing.  See....

That looks official to me!  No more offers going in!  We were able to negotiate it for 13,000 less than list price which made my bargainers heart's freaking day.  So hopefully the inspection won't reveal anything hideous and we can close and move in April.  Luckily 2012 will be a much better tax year because 2011 really sucked it up.

Jon took a look at the golf course by the house.

Funny guy.  Can't wait to hopefully host Goat Fest at the club house and sucker all our new neighbors into coming.  I bet our friends are excited that we can't move every year anymore and that we will stop asking for moving help.  It feels good to plant roots and to pull my big girl pants up even if they don't make my butt look like a super model.  

Have a blessed day.  Take 30 minutes at watch the video.  You won't regret it.

In the Middle.

This morning I woke up in the middle of my bed with Jon squished up next to me.  This may have something to do with the absurdly low temperature we set our heat to because we are frugal, but I think it has more to do with the state of our relationship.

***side note, Jon just told me we forgot to turn the heat down last night.  It's for real!  We do love each other.  Anyways...***

When we were dating and in the beginning of our marriage we had so little PDA that you would think we were really good sarcastic, flirty friends.  I just never wanted to be "that" couple.  Among our group of friends we were some of the first to date and to get married, so I never wanted for anyone to ever feel like a third wheel or excluded.  What can I say, we were just that nice.  We were also that cut off from our own desires to be close to each other, and for touch in general.  That sounds dirty when I say it like that, but you know what I mean.

Over the past year or so I really think we have grown tremendously.  We cuddle before we go to sleep.  *gasp*  I think Jon even kissed me at his mom's house the other day.  I know it sounds incredibly stupid, but for us it is good.  It is good to put each other first.  It is good to acknowledge that I don't one day want our children thinking we are stone cold, un-affectionate jerks.  While sarcasm and humor may be the foundation of our relationship, it is good to grow the other important aspects as well.

Over the past couple months I feel like we have been in a growth spurt to grow up and grow together.  Financial stress and some quick moves to try and buy a house will do that to you.  As will some family drama.

House buying is hard. At least for me.  I have moved every year for the past 8 years.  I like it and I am addicted to it much like I was addicted to NyQuil and Melatonin.  My ability to turn down a guaranteed good night of sleep is low, what can I say...nights does that to you.  I love the hunt for a new deal, and I honestly love the purging that comes with moving.  Cleaning up, new goals, new neighborhood, new decorating challenges, it's like crack to me.

So the thought of being stuck somewhere scares the crap out of me. What if our neighbors stink?  What if my lawn will only grow dead grass?  What if there is no where to throw goat fest?  What if my furnace explodes, I'm responsible for that crap now...

But we aren't supposed to live our lives focusing on the what if.  I am going through a book with my friend Amy about choosing Joy, and I am realizing how much I am missing out on.  I run through life really fast some sometimes finding joy is about going slow.  It's about cuddling with my husband in our frigid house.  It's about having an amazing time with your night shift friends, because your brain is only functioning at about 60%, so really anything is entertaining to talk about.  It's about taking in the moments with your family that are meaningful and deep, and letting go of the ones where they drive you nuts.  And it's about giving it up to God as we sign the contract on the house we really want this afternoon.  There is a good chance we won't get it, there are multiple offers in, and it is an awesome deal.  But I'm glad we found it.  I'm glad we are discovering together what we like and what we want for our family.  I'm glad we are doing it together and I'm going to chose joy even if the house gets away and even if we live in our frigid little house forever.  Because I have what really matters.

It might be frigid outside, but some lazy fool never took down her party lights from Goat Fest, so it looks pretty sweet out my back window.

Also, I love little girl pig tails.  While this peanut was distracted by Curious George, I might have quickly played hair stylist.

I'm off to try to nap before work tonight.  Hopefully I can sleep through the screaming children in the back yard.  We have a slight hill back there so whenever it snows we become sledding central.  These poor kids don't know what they are missing.  If it's not a struggle to climb up, it's not worth sledding down friends.

Rut

I'm in a blogging rut.

I need to clean my house, so I thought that procrastinating via blogging would help said rut.  No such luck.

Since I have nothing of substance to talk about, I thought I would go in the complete opposite direction. And just dump the pictures from my phone in the past week.

Exhibit A
I was peacefully siting on my couch minding my own business when this creeper scared the crap out of me.

I am convinced we have too many squirrels in our neighborhood and that some may be demoned possessed.  They run up our screens in the summer and I fear they will ruin the garden I would like to have.  Little buggers.

 Yea run away...

Exhibit B: I have been running with my sister lately.  The little girl she watches likes to text me from the itouch.  Read the conversation below.  Hilarious.  That kid cracks me up.  Maybe minions= squirrels

Exhibit C: When we were in Disney World, one of our favorite things to do is to find the hidden Mickeys.  Can you find it?

How about a little closer?

Sorry to have wasted five minutes of your day! Hope it gets better from here and no minions are out to get you.

8 Years

On February 4th, Jon and I will have been together for 8 years (and married for 3).  Holy crap that is a long time considering I'm not that old.  We started dating when I was a senior in high school, and that sucker even came back for a prom repeat so that he could come as the wiser, cooler, college boy.  Only he was going to prom with a real  dork, so I'm guessing we didn't score any points in the cool department.  Oh well.

My first year of college was rough for us.  I ventured to Michigan and a friend of mine passed away.  Jon and I had only been dating for a year and he had no clue what to do with this emotional hot mess he called his girl friend.  I was already struggling with being far from everything and everyone I loved, and the loss of my friend was enough to push me over the edge.  We weren't really close anymore, but she was someone I looked up to, and now she was gone, and I felt alone.  It sucked.  In that same year my young cousin passed away and my dad's best friend committed suicide.  I was reeling to say the least, but Jon stepped up.  He stepped up as a leader in my life and he held onto hope when I thought it was lost.  It was that year that I realized the fragility of life and the richness that is there, if you chose it.  It was also that Christmas that he gave me a gift that let me know  we could make it for the long haul.

Without my knowledge he contacted everyone I had known from Jr. High on.  Family, friends, teachers, everyone.  And he explained that I was having a rough year and could use some truth spoken into my life.  People wrote letters and cards of what I meant to them, and he put them all together in a book for me, followed by a letter from him.  Blew my world away.  Even in my depressed, miserable state, I still mattered, my life mattered.

In the years to come, we grew up together.  I was able to support him through the unexpected loss of his cousin, and he now understood the place I was coming from in the beginning of our relationship.  We were able to spend a year of college both in the city, and it was awesome being able to trek up and down the red line to see each other.  That was probably when we were at our coolest.  It has been all downhill since then. We both thought the other was slightly crazy when they decided to go back to grad school so soon, and yet we did it together.

I wouldn't call our dating life easy, but it was good, deep, and rich.  We continued to choose God and each other through the ups and the downs. It set the foundation and tone for our marriage.  When we got engaged I would have strangers asking me how old I was.  My response would always be, "I will be 23 when I get married."  They didn't have to know I would only be 23 for a whopping month.  I was always so afraid of people judging us being so young...because I like to live a decade in advance.  But even when I got engaged at the age of  22 (by one day), I knew.  I knew he was the one for me.  I knew we could continue to chose each other through the ups and downs.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be awesome.

I didn't know how awesome it was going to be.  I didn't know that he would step up as the leader in our marriage, and then some.  I didn't know  we would learn to fight, and that it would be good for us.  I didn't know how long and how much money it would take to pay off student loans. I didn't imagine we could do something like GoatFest. I didn't realize what a great father he would be some day.  I didn't know he would go from Johnny to Jon and with a name change would come a new level of confidence that is so attractive I could jump him when he walks through the door.  T.M.I? Sorry.  I still miss Johnny, but I'm so glad I ended up with Jon.

I'm so glad I didn't know, that life continues to surprise me, and that God's blessings can far exceed my wildest expectations.  We have some things on our plate that will make this year a bit wild and crazy, with some ups and downs, but there is no one else I would rather ride this roller coaster with.  And to tell you the truth, I like the butterflies in my stomach when we go down the steep hills.  I know that we will come back up at some point, but the butterflies remind me that I am alive, and the we are living life to it's fullest, and we are doing it together. Diving in and going deep.  We are all in. In our marriage, in our lives, in our faith, with our friends and family. I can't wait for the next 8 years with this guy. With my guy.

For your listening pleasure, I included our song eight years ago.  And our song for our first dance.  Like I said. Dorks.