Blown Away

Over the past four months I continue to underestimate.  I underestimated my mom's life expectancy as she was coding in the ICU. I recently underestimated how much hospice could really make a difference in our lives.  It has been a world of difference since they have been involved.  I underestimated my body's ability to carry this baby potentially to its due date even with all the stress it has been under.

Last night I underestimated the power and strength of community in our lives once again.

I am a "type A," freakishly independent, perfectionist.  Asking for help is hard.  It makes me feel like I have failed.  Putting my needs out there to be met by others scares the bejebus out of me. It feels much safer to rely solely on myself and my own abilities to provide and take care of situations.  Gives this control freak a fake sense of control.

Slowly through this process I am learning that my sense of control is horse crap and that I need people.  My husband and I need the love and support of those that surround us to truly live this life to the fullest.  My mom needs the love and support and prayers of those that she has touched in her life. 

As a human on this earth, we need each other.  

It sounds so cliche and simple, yet it is a concept that was so hard for me to swallow.

Well last night I set up a fundraiser for my mom online.  The link is on the top of my page.  While I would love to put on a big event like Goat Fest and celebrate the life my mom has lived while raising funds, a child will be birthed from my body in the next few weeks, and honestly, I want to be able to spend all my free minutes with my mom and not event planning.  So a boring website it will be.  

In the past few months we have had so many people ask how they can support us, and I never really knew what to say.  Little by little we have figured it out.  Honestly, we could really use some financial help, which is why we created the fundraiser.  

We will continue to constantly need prayer.  I have no clue how long my mom will live.  Hospice says that right now they would guess three months.  My mom says she wants to live until march first. Why? I have no clue.  Maybe to just prove someone wrong,  regardless, I would take it, if the end of her life can look like the last couple days we have had.  If she starts to quickly decline, I honestly hope it is fast.  Suffering is not on my "horse crap sense of control" agenda.

In the future, we will continue to need help with people to spend time and check in with my mom.  She has been doing so well these past couple days, that she hasn't needed someone there constantly.  It has been great.  At the same time it is hard for me to not want to spend every extra minute there and soak in every last moment, memory, thought, touch, and conversation with my mom.  I am like a garbage disposal.  Throw it all in, I will take everything I can get. Because the world keeps spinning even when you feel like your life has come to a screeching halt, I am trying to find the balance between working and spending time with Jon and friends, while still taking in all that precious time with my mom.  Oh, and I will need to have this baby at some point.  Eventually it will set in.  Maybe when I'm pushing.

So if you are reading and have asked how you can help, these are our biggest needs.  Time, prayers, and money.  We set up this fundraiser with no expectations, just trusting that God will provide just enough.  Trusting that our story can be one of hope and love.

In one night I have been blown away.  I think I constantly lower my expectations hoping to not get disappointed.  I am learning that my "prepare for the worse and sort of hope for the best" attitude doesn't really serve me anymore.  I want to start living my life trusting that there is enough.  Enough hope, peace, security, time, love, and joy.  Our needs will be met.  We will be ok.  This does not mean that life will not be hard or that we will not struggle, but there will be enough, and we will be ok.  Thank you for helping me come to this realization.  Thank you for your love and support.  My family needs you, and I look forward to the day when we are on the opposite end of this table and I can help someone else come to these realizations.