Within the next year of my life I will surely have a breakdown. An ugly cry, snot dripping, gasping for breath, nasty breakdown. I'm sorry for when my patience runs thin and my tears flow like the Mississippi. Can anyone type out Mississippi without singing M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I?
Anyways. It is bound to happen, but I have decided it is worth it. It is worth it to jump in with both feet and swim in the deep end. Time to put my big girl pants on, or better yet, rip off those pants and rock the bikini with confidence.
I was just accepted into Northern Illinois' Family Nurse Practitioner Post-Master's Certificate program. Pending all of my paperwork and finger prints I will start in January. Less than two months from now. Even though I put out this application in October, I didn't have my "oh, shit" moment until the acceptance letter arrived yesterday. That's when the reality hit. The finances, the time, the commitment, the papers. I am planning on doing the program part time while still working my full time night position, and this scares the bejeebus out of me. I don't always feel like I handle the whole "no sleep" bit very well, and I am about to multiply it exponentially.
I'm rocking the "I'm young and I can handle anything approach," but in all honesty I am scared to death that I won't be able to do it. I think a lot of my anxiety and stomach knots are due to the anticipation. I have no clue what to expect. A part of me wishes I could go barf right now because I think I might feel better after the fact, but I digress.
So even though I'm scared, I'm holding onto hope.
Hope that it is meant to be and that I can hack it.
Hope that I can have a bigger impact on healthcare as a whole and those who don't have much access to it after completing this degree.
Hope that I can go into the program excited to learn, and not just to get through.
Hope that one day I can find a balance between a kick ass career and being a kick ass mom, because I want to rock both worthy professions.
Hope that I will become a stronger person for going for what I want even if I know I am sending myself down a difficult path.
Hope that my marriage will only be stronger in the end while we walk this life together and I learn to let my husband love and support me to an even deeper extent.
Hope that I can teach my kids that difficult things are usually the ones most worth going for.
Hope that one day my skin will sparkle like Edward's does.
So when I start drowning in the deep end, can you love and support me and help me up for a breath of air? I think I will need it these next two years. I will come out of the pool with pruney fingers as a trophy. I'm going to stick it out to play and swim hard. I want my life to be rich, and satisfying, and fulfilling and I refuse to settle for the kiddie pool. I'm leaving my water wings at home and rocking my bikini like a Victoria Secret model.