Tuesday, October 15, 2013

One Year


It was this time one year ago that I was laying in bed next to my mom and my contractions started.  I was pissed.  It was not the right day to have a baby.  My super sick mom would not be able to come to the hospital and I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to be the mom to this baby.  I wasn't ready to nurse this new little life while I was walking with my mom through her final months.

But it didn't matter.  Life doesn't wait for you to be ready sweet boy.  God knows when you are ready, and his timing was perfect whether I was in agreement or not.

So it was on this night, one year ago, at 12:21 a.m. that I pushed you into this world.  Surrounded by friends that I loved and friends that loved us, you took your first breath and I decided that I was ready.

Not only was I ready for you Grayson, but I loved you with every fiber in my being from the second they placed you on my chest.  Even though that was the first time we were ever separate, it was one of the first times that I truly felt connected with you.  You, my dear, are your own little spunk of a person.

While you now captivate and own a large piece of my heart, it is not my job to smoother you and shield you from the heartache and brokenness of this world, but rather to walk beside you as you live in it...as you experience it and hopefully change this world for the better.  It is hard for my mama heart to let you get hurt...but that is how you learn.  You are learning to walk by falling down.  You are learning the magnitude of your giant head by whacking it into things.  A helmet and pads or my constant eye and holding won't help you learn....they might temporarily alleviate discomfort and pain, but ultimately it would be doing you a disservice.

So please forgive me if I sometimes am overbearing or shield you too much.  Deep down I know I want you to explore.  I know I want you to be brave.  I want you to learn that there is enough in this world.  There is enough love, hope, and joy.  It is there already and yours for the taking.  Please continue to crawl off into the yard knowing that I will get you if you have gone too far.  Please keep trying to stand up, even when you fall down.  Please keep coming back for more snuggles and love so that you are all filled up and can go share it with the world.

Grayson you are a joy and a light in this world.  Not only that, but you crack me up.  I know I am biased, but baby boy you can command a room better than a politician.  Even at this age you engage with people.  I hope you never let that go.  I hope you forever engage with people and use those big brown eyes to look inside and see what people are truly about.  I hope I teach you to see people, Grayson.  I don't want you to see faces, I want you to see souls.  Souls filled with hopes and dreams and wants and needs, just like you.  I pray that I can teach you to see and appreciate the differences in everyone, while learning that we are all so alike as well.

I hope I can teach you to live in the moment and work past your discomfort, fears, and insecurities to truly be yourself.  Babies are magical in that way.  You don't care how loud you scream in the library, or if it is an appropriate time to fart like a grown man.  Granted, I want you to one day control your gas, but I hope you always go for what you want and feel no shame when you are being yourself.  This isn't my strong suit sweet boy, but somethings are worth screaming about. Fight for what is right, and just, and good.  And sometimes just fight because you are going with your gut and your heart.  Your even keeled parents are working on this.  You are helping us to experience more passion, and we are grateful.  Thank you for teaching us so we can continue to teach you.

Thank you for falling asleep in my arms today.   I know tomorrow will be very similar to the day before, and the day before that....but it was special to me.  Thank you for giving me those moments where I could remember.  I could remember going into labor and being with my mom.  I could remember holding you for the first time.  I could remember your dad looking at you and watching his heart melt.  I could remember placing you in my mom's arms.  I could remember watching your nana and your aunities and uncles all share in our excitement that you are here, and that you are you.  That is all you need to be Grayson.  Just be you, my crazy haired, super loud, gremlin speaking, great eating, snuggle bug.  You, sweet baby boy, are more than enough.

Happy Birthday.