Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Sorry for my absence.  I love my job.  After long, frustrating days or nights with Grayson, I sometimes question whether full time work would be easier for me than staying at home.  Sometimes it might be, especially in the magical world called my brain.  However, after the past two weeks of full time orientation, I am even more grateful for this transition in my career and the flexibility of my job to work part time hours in the middle of the night.

About two weeks ago I returned to the hospital I started my nursing career at.  I will be working on the maternal/child resource team (L&D, Antepartum, Mother/Baby, NICU, and Peds).  While it was so incredibly hard to think about leaving my friends, this position will allow me to have a schedule that will work better for our family and also to work a little less.  It will also open the door to spend more time in a level III NICU which I have always wanted to do.  Currently my work is my social life.  So it was difficult to want to make any changes, but I feel incredibly blessed for this door to have been opened and for this opportunity to better take care of my family while still doing what I love.  It is also awesome that I am able to return to a system that I know is great and some fantastic people as well.  Hopefully it will be a smooth transition and will once again feel like home in no time.

Two weeks ago I said goodbye to some amazing coworkers.  I honestly and truly cannot say enough good things about the people that surrounded me at work while I walked the most difficult season in my life.  I will never forget the people that cried and instantly prayed as they heard the "code blues" over the loud speaker, and they knew that it was my mom's heart that needed resuscitating.

I will never forget the people that gave me such a generous shower gift and surrounded me with love as I brought my baby boy into the world. I was lucky to work with some high quality people, and I am so incredibly grateful that they let me into their circle and called me friend.  Thank you for all the support and love, and even more importantly, all the laughs over incredibly inappropriate things at all hours of the night.  You girls made working fun and taught me that I am more than capable of working the night shift and even enjoying it.

This season of my life seems to be one of good-byes.  I kind of hate it.

Outside of work I have had to say goodbye to a couple friends in the past few weeks, and there are going to be a couple really hard goodbyes in the somewhat near future with people I would consider to be a part of my core. My inner circle of support is getting ripped away and I am a wee bit ticked off and petrified about the whole situation.  

I get that I am in a stage of life where people move, and get married, and have babies.  But I would like them to get married, move in next door, and have babies at the same time as me so that we can raise our littles together.  With each goodbye that I have to say, I feel myself guard my heart a bit tighter.  I want to build my walls up higher and keep people at a distance.  While I know there are people who I can start to pursue a relationship and friendship with, I am so utterly sad to let go of the people that know the deepest parts of my heart.  I'm scared to let go of the relationships that don't need much work, but rather are a comfortable ebb and flow that have withstood the test of time.

Immature Jaci wants to throw herself on the floor and throw a tantrum over these goodbye situations.  I don't think I have really presented my best face or opened up to much of anyone over the past year, and I think I'm scared to.   I'm scared that people that didn't know me before everything happened with my mom won't be able to handle me.  Or more truthfully, they won't want to handle me.  I'm scared people won't want to get into this mess with me if we weren't already really good friends to begin with.  And these last few months have taught me that life is one freaking big mess.  

I am still navigating and learning how to do this whole community thing, and adding a baby to our mix changes our entire social dynamic.  Read: I now have very little availability outside my home in the more convenient evening hours.  But regardless of my availability,  I am trying to make a little mental commitment to reach across the divide and start to make friends while continuing to invest in the relationships I have.  When I am honest and truthful, I can admit that I want to know and be known. I want to embrace this truth and to start digging in and living life with people and in community.  I want to be vulnerable, not just from behind a keyboard, but in real life as well.  I want to head into my new job with my head looking up, ready to share my heart and be open to people who are also feeling like they need to build some more relationships.  I want to meet and be in community with other moms, so that I don't feel so alone in this new parenting thing.   I want to tightly hug the people who I know I will have to say goodbye to in the near future.  I want to be intentional with those relationships and plan visits and trips.  I want to be better about writing cards and making phone calls.  I want to reach out because I want people to reach out to me.  I want the deep and rich love I have felt over the past year to continue into the next season.  So if you have been my friend for a long time, or we just met, thank you.  Thank you for listening to my heart and sharing yours.  I have just walked through a really rough season and I am having a hard time saying goodbye to many people I care about.  Please push through my built up walls when I am unable to see them so clearly around me.  I truly want to get to know you better, I have just let me fear get the best of me lately and it is going to take me a little extra time to warm up.  I am going to trust that making friends and investing in community is worth the risk.  The reward will be great, now I just need to remain conscious and reach out in a season where I do not want to walk alone.

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