Friday, March 29, 2013

Melting

My little love is five months old.

Honestly, I feel like I was jipped.  I try to not just wallow and complain about the last few months of my life, because honestly it doesn't change anything.  I don't remember a ton of the beginning of Grayson's life, which in turn gives me huge mommy guilt.  I want to beat myself up for not studying his little finger nails or his fuzzy head.  I didn't write down any firsts up until this point.  I survived the first 5 months of my son's life.

Between caring for my mom and walking with her until she died, I didn't have as much intention in my pregnancy or my parenting as I would have liked.  I remember even less of my pregnancy than I care to admit.  It just wasn't my focus.

So much like I would want to parent Grayson, I will parent myself. I will repeat over and over again, that it is O.K.  I am not a terrible mom because I didn't write down the first time I tried to give Grayson cereal or the first time he slept through the night.  Oh wait.  That still isn't even close to happening.  Maybe that is why I can't remember jack about the first five months of his life.  Because I, like every momma, am so sleep deprived that I can sometimes barely form a coherent sentence.

And while I don't remember a ton of my pregnancy or the beginning of G Baby's life, what I do remember is sacred.  What I did take time to write down, meant the world to me.  The outpouring of love for both my baby and myself, will not be forgotten.  So no, I have no clue when Grayson tried cereal, but I'm over it.  He will eat for the rest of his life.  Instead I'm going to spend what little mental engery I have to continue to sear into my heart and my mind the images of Grayson in my mom's arms.  I will remember the visits and the gifts we received from people willing to love on our little boy. I will remember the little moments he and I shared in the middle of the night as I fell more deeply in love with his sweet soul.

I was visiting a close friend yesterday and she commented about how he is constantly in motion and ready to jump in and live in every moment, in contrast to her very pensive little  boy who seemed to want to examine the world.  I am in trouble when this kid is two years old.  But I love it.  I love that he is absolutely crazy.  While I look forward to him sleeping through the night, I love that he seems to be so excited most of the time that he cannot contain himself to simply close his eyes.  I love that his heart is not bridled by fear, but open to anyone who will look into his eyes and interact with him.  This kid will stretch me.  This kid will grow me up while he grows up, and I cannot wait.  This babe melts my heart with his grey/brown eyes.  I am enamored as I watch him develop the little personality that I hope will one day lead a big life and make a positive impact in the world.

So for my own sake and relief of my mommy guilt, here are some pictures of my babe and some info.


No clue what to do with this cereal.
 Really, you want me to eat that?
 And, let the melting begin.  We had a little photo shoot yesterday.  How is he this big already?
 Those lashes.  I hope he shares the wealth if he ever has a sister.





 Lounging in my bath.  Grayson loves the water.  I cannot wait for the summer.

At 5 months we still wake up multiple times at night and still only take 45 minute naps.  Mommy finally won the war of the binkie, which you now love, however you wanted me to come give it back to you every 45 minutes the other night.  Not going to happen G Baby.  Hopefully we will find a balance because with the binkie you do put yourself to sleep without a problem.  You now snuggle and hug and belly laugh all day long.  You are a huge people person and will suck anyone into a conversation with you.  It helps that you are never quiet.  Ever.  You currently wear 6 or 9 month clothing.  You are more comfortable in the bigger sized stuff with your big ol' b'dunk-a-dunk from your cloth diapers.  You are starting to figure out that all food is not disgusting and you actually seemed to like peas today.  (You would have thought I was poisoning you with the sweet potatoes.)  You have rolled over from tummy to back a couple of times, but not yet from back to tummy.  It might have something to do with the fact that mommy had you sleeping in a Magic Sleep Suit for the past two months.  Click the link.  You know you want to.  Feel free to make fun of me as well.  Yes I put my baby in a fat suit, and yes he slept significantly better in it.  I will do almost anything for sleep.  You probably don't roll to much because when you are awake you want to be up and moving.  You much prefer the jump-a-roo to the floor mat any day.

You are the essence of joy my sweet babe, and you melt my heart.


2 comments:

  1. What you wrote about your baby is beautiful. I went through some trauma around the time my second baby was born and felt the same way about the beginning of his life/ my pregnancy. I was just too busy dealing with all the other stuff going on to focus on him the way I did with my older child. . . my mom gave me a gift that was helpful to me. She gave me a 7-year baby book to use instead of a 1-year one. Instead of a whole book of blank spaces, there were just a few blank pages in the beginning. And, like you said, what I did write was so meaningful to me to remember.

    Your baby is gorgeous. Keep on loving him! Praying for you and yours today. Trust me. . .there is great beauty ahead!

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