Honestly, I don't know what to say. This still sucks. As the weeks go on and we get further away from that very challenging and hard last week of my mom's life, I feel like I miss her more. Immediately after she died, I had so much relief. The suffering had ended. Now I just miss my momma.
I know time will heal, I know this is will get easier, but on Sunday it just sucked.
I've noticed that grief comes out in a multitude of ways and sometimes, much like word vomit, it escapes my body in an ugly form. Poor Jon receives the brunt of it, and sometimes it happens before I even realize it. Yesterday I was as snappy as a rubber band until I finally broke down. I didn't want to plan an Easter get together with my family without my mom being able to come. There is a hole at our table. It does not yet feel normal or right. And honestly it makes me sad that as the years pass and as time continues to turn, that it will become normal. While I don't want to continue hurting, I also don't want this world sans Nancy to be normal. I don't want it to be normal for my kiddos to not know their nanny. Ugh. I don't want this new normal.
Today we started going through more of my mom's things. Again, I am not usually a saver, but I am consumed by panic about giving anything away. I want to hang on to every last little piece of her, even though she isn't in that shirt or that platter. My mom is in my heart, and in my sisters, and in Grayson...but it is hard to let go of the things she touched. To remember and trust that my memories will be enough takes strength I don't seem to have at the moment. So instead I am stockpiling shit in my basement that I will have to go through once again when we demo it this spring. Maybe I will have more strength on that day.
I don't want this blog to be all of my Debbie-Downer moments, I just seem to have a bit more of them lately.
So on a totally unrelated note, I just want to write down a few things about Grayson for my own memory. I wanted to be one of those cool mom's that took a monthly photo and did a monthly recap. Didn't happen. Sorry munchkin, you are stuck with a scatter-brained momma who can't get her monthly act together. So we will start at 5 months. Better late than never.
Grayson, at five months old you have captivated my heart. You have challenged me as I try to step into this new role of parent. I have always had a love for children, but when you put the responsibility of fully raising one of them onto my shoulders, I find that I want to stand up tall and not mess it up. Thank you for your grace and love sweet baby boy, as I surely will mess up in many ways as we walk through life together. I want to find the balance, to push you and to let you explore while setting boundaries that protect you from dangers too big. I want to trust that the God that called nanny home, watches over you daily and loves you more than I do. I want you to be the epitome of a little boy. You are a little ball of perpetual motion and energy. While it can be exhausting, I hope that I never squelch it. I hope that I ride that wave with you and that you teach me as much as I hope to teach you. While I want to keep you little forever, and I lost my cool when you rolled over, I also want you to run, climb, and explore. I want you to run so fast that you fall down because I want you to know you are so capable of getting back up and it is fun to run fast. I want you to live life with excitement and bravery. I want you to be the best you that you can possibly be....but, please feel free to stay little for a bit longer. Please continue to snuggle into my arms grasp my locket with my momma in it when I feed you in the middle of the night. Please continue to squeal with delight since belly laughing is still a bit of a challenge. God, let me live intensely in the present and in these moments as I try to prepare my babe for the future. Help me to teach him that this world is meant for play and to not hold him back with my own insecurities and fears. Help him to know that he has two parents that will always welcome him with open arms as will his heavenly father.
Yesterday I had to be gone a full day after working all night because of a job transition I am making (more on that later). The blessing of working part time is not lost on me. I came home missing my sweet boy and could not get enough snuggles. I am so incredibly grateful to be able to work weird hours where my babe doesn't even know I'm gone, and to be able to transition into different job where I can provide for my family but be home with Grayson a little more often as well.
Here is a recent picture of my little heart breaker. 15 lbs 8 ounces of pure yumminess. Spell check says yumminess is not a word. I disagree.
Jaci I want to thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me with my own healing by putting many of the similar feelings and pain that I experienced into words. It has been two years since my mother died and I have learned that a mother never leaves her children. From heaven she still guides me, teaches me, and answers my questions and my prayers. You will find your mother will do the same for you! Jane
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