Thursday, April 11, 2013

Dirty Little Secret

This is one of those over sharing posts.  The ones where I out myself and my imperfections and hope that those that know me in real life will continue to love me anyways.

Have you ever had a time where you impersonated your dead mother and got busted?


I have.  It was awkward.

Long story short I was trying to close/resolve one of my mom's accounts and last time they refused to talk to me because I wasn't her.  OK, fine.  So I faxed the required documents and waited for a month for a call.

No call.

So yesterday I called and just said I was her.  I know all the security questions and managed a lot of things for my mom before she passed.  Well about 5 minutes into the conversation the woman realized that the documentation had been completed and the person she was speaking to was dead.  Whoops.  My bad.  She sounded none too pleased.  So I tried to be nice and explain that I had been on the phone for a couple hours and needed to speak to a real person and have my issue resolved (Yes, I lied about my identity, and yes, I know this is just an excuse).


Puts me on hold.

"Ms. Bender, this encounter has been noted in the account and your issue has been resolved.  Thank you."


At this point a string of not so nice things streamed through my head.  You wackadoodle.  It was my mom that died and I am stuck doing this and you are annoyed with me?!?  Do you think I want to make these phone calls? I answered all your security questions correctly so it's not like I swindled information out of you.  Now, I have an easily guilty conscious so I felt bad for a good 30 minutes after I got over my furious rant before I told myself to get over it.  I do realize I lied and was in the wrong, but sheesh, how about some grace or at least don't act like I am the epitome of evil.

Other awkward moments this week include walking out with my top shirt still pulled up during employee orientation after pumping.  We will blame this lack of brain function on my lack of sleep.  I also whacked my head on the glass above the food in the cafeteria that I didn't see as I went to further inspect the possibly inedible pizza.  It made a thud.  A loud thud.  And it is hard to laugh it off while your eyes tear up.

Have you ever used a walk up ATM at a bank instead of the drive through?  I hadn't.  It was in this little room.  Apparently there is etiquette that you do not enter the little room while someone else is still in there, even though you cannot see through the tinted glass to know that the room is being occupied.  I have never gotten such a terrible glare for opening a door before.  I am a magnet for crabby people this week so I should not have been surprised.

While I am outing myself, I want to openly admit that I am not a very proper person.  Jon and I recently went to a nice dinner where I asked which fork was the salad fork.  I sound like a terrible person for saying this out loud, but I currently want to blow etiquette and "propperness" to the wind.

I do not want to send thank you notes out to people who came to my mom's service.  I don't want to think about my mom's service.  I want to pretend like it never happened.  My sweet sister-in-law offered to address them for me, so I don't have too much to complain about, but I am just angry that the principal exists.  Of course my family and I are thankful for love and support, why do I have to perform one more task, in the midst of many tasks to express it?

I just want to be done.  I just want to heal.  I just want to feel better, and I don't want to write/send/think about what to add to a thank you note that is another reminder of my mom's death.  My heart is spent and I feel like grief is getting harder and heavier as time moves forward.

This is not my most mature or glorious moment, just another honest one.  I am incredibly grateful for every single soul that came to the service, or who has loved us in another way throughout this journey.  I would instead like to send virtual hugs instead of generic card.  I am also still incredibly angry that I had to have a memorial service for my mom.  I am still angry that she got sick and died, so this seems to be the thing I want to have a temper tantrum about and fight kicking and screaming.  Maybe instead of sending virtual hugs I just want to continue to ask for hugs.  Because I do not feel like I am healing and I still feel broken.  Maybe that is why I wanted to scream at the lady on the phone.  Because I still feel broken.  Because my heart still aches.  I know grief is a journey and I know it is OK to feel and process every emotion that I experience, but just because I mentally know it is OK does not make it easier or less complicated.

So please know that I am both incredibly thankful, but I also think thank you cards for attending a memorial service are stupid.  I also lie and impersonate my dead mother.  I am far from a proper or perfect person, but luckily there is no perfect way to walk this journey.  Instead I hope to embrace grace, love, and humility as I continue to fumble along.

Grayson and I went for a walk on the first "spring" day we experienced.  It is now cold again with a chance of snow flurries in the future.  He continues to rock my world and melt my heart.

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