Sometimes it is just so hard to wait.
Since yesterday morning I have been contracting enough to feel like crap and not sleep, but not enough that I would think I was in labor and actually go to the hospital. Poor Jon. The guy has been rooting for 10/11/12 since we found out the due date. I don't think it is going to happen, babe. So we will keep waiting.
I am constantly in a state of waiting with my mom. Waiting for the day that things take a turn for the worse, waiting for the next really awesome field trip or really good day, waiting for the next hug or conversation I sob through. We really have no idea what is coming or what it will look like.
Today I am waiting to go get my pregnancy massage at 1130 thanks to a wonderful friend at work. I want to storm down the doors and tell them to take me now, I realize it is 5:30 in the morning and normal people are asleep, but this girl is really looking forward to that massage and cannot wait.
It has been hard, and wonderful, and miraculous to wait and watch my mom's fundraiser page. Thank you truly feels in genuine at this point because of how often I have said it. What a powerful example of the possibilities out there if you open your heart and create a world of community. So many aspects of my gut told me to not move forward with it. The lies and beliefs that we have for many years are hard to break down. I was scared of people judging us, of being considered weak, of people judging my mom for not being more prepared. And honestly I was scared that I wouldn't be able to take the blow if we put ourselves out there and then no one stood up next to us.
So much of my life has been lived in the fear of that question. Who will stand up next to me? What I'm learning is that there are plenty of people who will, but you might have to go out on a limb and ask. You might have to be vulnerable and ugly. You might have to come together on the level of heartbreak and humanity, but heartbreak and humanity are strong rocks to stand on together.
So thank you for standing and waiting with us. May our story change lives for the better as it is constantly doing to mine.
While the waiting is hard, I am excited to bring my babe to be into this new world of ours. I'm excited to share my deeper appreciation of all the little things. I can't wait to tell my kiddo how this gift was from your grandma, cousin, aunt, uncle, and you are so dearly loved already. I can't wait to hold an innocent life in my arms that knows nothing of shame or doubt. All he or she will know is trust. Trust that there is enough and trust that all will be ok. I want to continue to make strides to live like my baby.
Once again, thank you. Thank you for loving us in all different ways. Thank you for walking with us. And thank you for waiting with us. Thank you for helping to shift my view on the world and for better preparing me to be the mother I would want to be.