I find myself living in the extremes as of late. Living in the dichotomy of lifes highest highs and lowest lows. With the impending birth of our little, I am nervous about trying to feel and incorporate extreme joy with extreme sorrow as my moms life comes to an end. We live in the small moments right now, and we cry a lot.
Today we celebrated what I would consider to be an awesome day. My mom didn't puke today and we were able to cuddle and talk about some places she would really like to go. If all stays stable we will be going to the pumpkin farm this weekend. No clue what that looks like with a wheel chair, but what the lady wants the lady gets. We have made plans to decorate this weekend for both Halloween and Christmas. My mom has always been a lover of all things Christmas, and she wants to experience her upside down Christmas tree again. So we will combine our spiders with our ornaments and maybe slap some cobwebs up on the tree, who knows.
I can do more days like this, I wish they were a guarantee. My prayers keep oscillating between asking for more time like this with my mom and praying that God calls her home quickly before she has to suffer even one more ounce of pain.
While I celebrate the good days like today, I also celebrate and mourn the fact that hospice is coming in the morning to hopefully admit my mom to their service. While I know this is the best option out of all the options on the table, it still sucks. My mom has said multiple times "it's not supposed to be like this". It's not. That's why hearts break when things like this happen, and why I often cry before I fall asleep and when I wake up. We live in a broken world where there will be sorrow and heart ache, and right now, this is ours. This is our story to live and our pain to feel. So we will dig deep and find meaning and enormous love in the small moments. We will take the days we are given and hope and pray for them to be good days. I will lay next to my mom as my babe kicks and let the tears fall down my face as the emotions wash over both of us. This is just our story to walk and to live, even if it doesn't feel like this is how it is supposed to be.