Tuesday, December 18, 2012

One more day

All I want is one more good day.

My sister was able to come in from North Carolina.

Feel free to cry happy tears.  I did.

Tomorrow we are celebrating Christmas as a family.  We are going to make at least one ginger bread house, and eat Christmas dinner together.  One last time.  It really sucks that it will be our last Christmas together, but I am so grateful to have one more day with everyone under one roof.

So I am pleading with God for one more good day.  One more day for my mom to have a little bit of energy.  One more day for her to have her pain under control.  One more puke free day.

Please don't get me wrong.  I would like hundreds of more good days.  But, I am pleading for just one.  Because I know that once my mom goes home to Jesus she will have millions of good days.

Facebook lets you do your "year in review."  I think I barfed in my mouth when I heard that.  Reviewing and reliving this year sometimes feels like the last thing I would ever want to do.  How in the world did it all happen?  How did I practically live in hospitals with my mom for a couple months sleeping with my big 'ol pregnant belly on pull out chairs?  How did I watch my mom almost die three times, to only have to watch it in slow motion all over again months later.  How did my once young and healthy mother get admitted to hospice?

But then I slow down, and I start to reframe.
How did a community of people, both near and far, encircle my family with prayers and pictures?  How did people love us enough to donate money to a fundraiser to help us survive?  Why did so many people drop whatever they were doing when I sent out our desperate prayer requests?  How did so many people join us in the fight for my mom's life?  How did coworkers know exactly what I needed?  How did I become a mom?

I could ask "how" and "why" forever, but it doesn't matter.  In two weeks time we will be in 2013, and this year will be over.  The book will be closed on what might be both the best and the worst year of my life.  For one reason or another, this was my path to walk, this was  my family's path to walk, and we were blessed enough to not have to walk alone.  I will never be able to change 2012, so instead I will let it sear into my heart.  I will let the pain hurt, and I will feel the joy.  I will remember it all and let it mold me and shape me.  I will say prayers of lament and gratitude.  And all in all, we will be better for it.  I have learned to laugh harder, and cry louder.  I have learned to love deeper this year, and for that I am grateful.


  1. Wow! Thank you for sharing your heart and deep hurts. I cannot imagine. Praying for you and your family. Two beautiful photos anchoring your "year in review". May you have peace this holiday. ~jana

  2. My heart is breaking Jaci. I still cannot believe all this is truly happening. I would love to talk to your Mom if she's able. I love you Nan and I pray for a miracle...everyday. 630-759-1571