My church just did a series entitled, "Not a Normal Christmas."
This year is just that for us. As the holiday season continues to ebb and flow, my mom continues to decline. And while normally this season brings me great joy and excitement, I am instead filled with sadness and honestly some anger. Tears seem to come readily now and I try to cry at least once a day in the safety of my shower so that I don't explode at a more inappropriate time.
The holiday season magnifies emotions. The happiness is extravagant and the sadness is painfully deep. Celebrating Grayson's first Christmas while coming alongside my mom as she dies is a tricky dance.
My youngest sister is flying out on December 17, so my hope and prayer is that my mom is able to live and to not decline much until that point, but honestly after my sister has some quality time with my mom, I hope she can go home to Jesus soon there after. As I have said so many times before, we want quality, and we have really lost that. My mom has a great deal of unmanageable pain in her foot and her shortness of breath is really starting to take a toll. My once strong mom has been broken down. I am ready for her to go to heaven and have her body restored. I'm ready for her soul to be renewed as the exhaustion and pain has worn down her spirits as well. I'm ready for my mom to once again be made whole and complete.
This is just not a normal Christmas.
I am not ready to not have a mom. I know that time can heal and that we have so many people ready to step in and love us however we need, but there will always be that hole. That hole that only she can fill.
In the midst of the sadness and anger is so much love. I will forever treasure the memories I have of my mom and Grayson. The kid naps with her like no other. She will forever be the baby whisperer. I will also cherish the many little moments I have spent napping besides her, or simply saying nothing as the tears would stream down both of our cheeks. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. Sometimes you just don't need words.
I told my mom the other day that we will be O.K. We will. My sisters and I will keep marching on and slowly we will heal. We will band together and hold each other up. Jon and I will make it through 2012 and 2013 better be boring as hell. He will hold me when I cry myself to sleep. Grayson will be told stories of his Nanny that he won't remember but he will know how much she loved him.
While this is not a normal Christmas, I am grateful for it none the less. I am grateful for the time that I have had with my mom and I will be even more grateful when she is able to celebrate Christmas in heaven, whole and complete.
I'm glad this little cutie can keep us smiling.