Secret

I am normally really good at keeping secrets.  This one, however, I want to scream from roof tops, and it's taking all of my will power to not spill the beans.  We are pregnant and due in October.  I obviously don't want to share it with everyone until we are much further than week 5, but I wanted to write down my reactions for my own sake for later.  I'm not really in a blogging rut, I just can't share the one thing consuming all of my thoughts.

I keep waffling between elation and fear.  Elation that we were able to conceive and that we are going to be parents, and fear that it might not come true, knowing full well how many people miscarry and afraid I might be one of them.  I also have a tender place in my heart for all of my friends trying to conceive and struggling with it.  How do I share it?  How do I let them know that I still hurt with them but  I am grateful they can be a blessing to our baby-to-be's life.  I just don't have the right words.

There is also a lacking of words for me to tell my baby to be.  How excited I was when I peed on that stick and didn't even have to wait 5 seconds till I knew it was positive, but I ran out and played the "wait three minutes" game with Jon, deep down knowing the line was faint immediately and would confirm my hopes and dreams when we walked back in the bathroom.  Or that know that we are buying a house I am struggling with what school district I want to own in.  There are some wonderful school districts with some wonderful taxes to go along with them, but I think there is a lot more to learn in life than academics and that I don't want my babe growing up thinking that the northwest suburbs are normal, when actually they are quite privileged.  My world is shifting, my thoughts are shifting, and my heart is growing so soft.

Also, my brain is melting.  The other day I was sobbing my face off (before we knew I was pregnant) because Jon didn't help me clean the house.  I didn't ask him to help either.  In my head my normal voice was saying, "What are you doing? Take a breath and get over it.  He said he would help you whack job.  Stop crying."  But on the outside I just kept doing the ugly cry and wondering if this is a new level of crazy I get to experience as a parent.  Utter disconnect from logic and emotion.  Awesome.  Can't wait for more of that.

I think my favorite part of being pregnant is the fact that I am never alone.  Granted, right now I keep company with an apple seed sized tadpole, but it matters.  What I eat, what I do, how I take care of myself, it all matters because it isn't just about me.  I don't think I have ever eaten so healthy in my life as I have in the past week.

I am dying to go on Pinterest and start looking at pictures of nurseries, but that would surely give me away.  So I'll wait it out.

So instead I will try to make some crafts on my own.  To revel in these early days of pregnancy with "Bo-Bo." (the hilarious nickname we have given our unborn)  I will say prayers over my belly and try to not actually puke as the waves of nausea roll.  I will try desperately to not give it away at work, where people ask on a daily basis if I am pregnant yet.  I guess that is what comes with working in a labor and delivery unit (speaking of which I can't wait to deliver with all my friends as the people caring for me.  I don't think there could be a better experience.)

The biggest downside to being pregnant.  I can't sleep.  So I am going to justify sitting on my butt all afternoon reading a good book before I go into work tonight.  Have a wonderful day and I can't wait to share this journey.

Update:  Here is my early ultrasound alien looking photo.  A bit creepy, but everybody loves their own creep :)