Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sweetness in the Struggle

We were really lucky to be able to meet up with a bunch of close friends last night; friends that are not convenient to get together with.  Our schedules are all full and very different.  Many people live in different neighborhoods. However these are friends that the time spent with each other is so rich that it is worth every inconvenience and makes me value our experiences together even more.  Having just come from a wake with a renewed view on the fragility of life and the importance of little memories may have made me a bit more sentimental as well. Just keeping it real.  While I want to be a half glass full of glitter kind of girl, I don't always drink the sparkle.  And when I do, I often choke.  Anyways....

Under the full moon and across the campfire we shared our happy-crappies.  Our last month's highs and lows.  Our honest truths about where we are in life.  And it was good.  It was good to be conscious about what has really been going on with me over the past month or six. It is so easy to get caught up in tasks and work, and the busy-ness of life, but when you sit around with people who want to really hear your heart, it feels good to go inside and dig it out.

So for my own sake of documentation and so that I can look back and remember some of my growth, I want to write it down.  Feel free to skip over this or never read my mushy gushy crap again.  Your choice.

Towards the end of my time at my last job, my tunnel vision was incredible.  I could not see beyond my circumstance.  I was unable to find much positive to cling to, even though I am sure there was a ton around me.  Working nights overwhelmed me and for some reason my coping strategies took a vacation. I hope they enjoyed the beach.  In all honesty I was in a crappy place and I'm grateful for all the friends and family who sat there next to me while gently challenging me to put my big girl pants on.  It's not the days I am most proud of, but it was a season none the less.  I still find myself functioning in a fear of not wanting to return to that place and I'm hoping that being on this side of the wall I can hold onto the clarity that I found.
I had really hoped that finding a new job would solve all of my problems.  Obviously it didn't and I was being an unrealistic fool.  However, while the problems are not solved, I am now able to function.  I am even able to find joy.  So far I have been able to work nights and not cry about it (which may be due to my new found love. Sub-lingual  spray melatonin).  I also take comfort in the fact that there was a rainbow when I was driving in to my first night of work. I'm thankful for God's whispers that I am where I am supposed to be and I am not alone in it.  I have set myself up with a lot of support.  I am grateful to be able to look back and have some closure about my last job.  I really miss so much about it, but I think giving up those things for the sake of a better schedule was worth it.  I work so that I can live, I don't live to work.
There are so many things I have learned by switching jobs and letting the seasons of my life change.  Hope has returned to me and I am looking forward to new opportunities in my career and life.  Both in my life and in my marriage, this past year has had a lot of struggle.  But there is so much sweetness in the struggle.  It's the struggle that strengthens your soul and your relationship.  Instead of just getting through life we are trying to live in the depths of it...both the beautiful and the ugly.  Sometimes its hard for me to see the sparkle, especially when it is dark out.  But if I focus I can see it in the stars or in my engagement ring as I'm driving to work and someone's headlight hits it just right.

That was deep, now onto fluff.  This past weekend the hubs took me to the catholic seminary that was probably private and that we probably shouldn't have been at.  However, all the priests we walked past were very nice and no one kicked us out.  So we walked the three mile trail and took in the beauty of this empty campus.  In all honesty it was a bit creepy that there was this beautiful place and no one was there enjoying it.  The weather was perfect and it was awesome to have a morning together.  We then proceeded to eat at Dairy Dream drive in where I had the most amazing corn dog of my life.  I should have taken a picture of it but I was too busy inhaling it like it was oxygen.  It was so good that my lips looked like they had been glossed by fryer grease by the time I was done.  How is that for an image.  (It is pretty ironic that I loved it so much because I am usually not a fried foods kinda gal.  Maybe I am turning a new cholesterol leaf.)

The beautiful chapel

 I wonder if they do weddings here.  And if so, can I have a repeat please?

 We snuck into the library to use the potty. I want this staircase in my future home.
 He wants this chair in our future home.

I just want to thank my Aunt Alice for showing me how to ride over the bumps in life at my wedding. You will be missed by many and it was great to celebrate your life.


  1. I always love to hear where you are ...makes me miss being able to talk to you face to face so much! Glad the melatonin is working for you too! 2.5 weeks until I go back to the dreaded night shift....let the countdown begin!

  2. I like reading about where you are too. Even though I'm right there with you it's good to hear what's going on in your pretty little head