Friday, August 23, 2013

Tears

Saturday was my mom's birthday.  I woke up and cried.  Missed her terribly with that ache in your soul that comes straight from your gut.  I was grateful to be with family...with others that had that same ache in their soul.  It was awesome to look back on posts from her last birthday.  While it was spent in a hospital room, it was filled with so much love and grace.  It was good to remember, pray, and cry.

Wednesdays have been hard for me lately.  I typically work Wednesday nights, and the night shift is kicking my butt.  More so, my child is kicking my butt with his inconsistency in napping, especially on Wednesdays. It's like he has this super sense and knows that I really need to sleep, therefore he really doesn't.  So after struggling for an hour and a half to get him to go to sleep, he finally fell asleep in my arms with bottle number 3 (yes I was desperate, and no this isn't normal.  Normally my kiddo goes to sleep wide awake in his crib all by himself.  It was a really bad day.)  Prior to finally getting him down, I lost it.  Put him in his crib and let him cry as I made a run for my front porch with multiple doors closed between us.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I didn't know how to love him, or even tolerate him in that moment.  And I desperately wanted to call my mom and ask her what I should do.  Not that she has magic answers, its just in those moments of desperation and wanting to kill your child, mothers are the first people you want to call.  And I couldn't. So I sat on my front porch and prayed and cried.  Then when I finally had enough where with all to go back to my screaming child, he finally fell asleep and I cried again.  Apparently I don't run out of tears.

Grayson's tears used to hold so much validity.  He only cried when something was really wrong.  In the last two weeks we have jumped on the drama bus and Grayson now cries at the drop of a hat and sounds like you have just severed an appendage.  We were out at an Italian restaurant and I was letting him eat some bread.  I took away the soggy nasty piece to replace it, and he shook his fists and screamed in agony...for about 10 seconds until the new piece was in his grubby little fingers...and then he laughed.  2 second rebound rate.  This kiddo needs some language skills so that screeching is not his only method of communication. You like bread.  Mommy got the message.

Yesterday I cried because I tried to make a last minute appointment to get a massage or pedicure or facial...or anything with my gift certificate, and they are all booked.  I should probably go pee on a stick because all this crying is getting a wee bit ridiculous.

Today I am doing better.  No tears thus far...even when my little bugger learned how to climb the stairs.  So here's to hoping for a day with more joy and a little less sadness.

After my rough day with G baby.  This is what he blessed me with the next morning.


Shameless selfie to capture the moment.  Those baby snuggles are redemptive and I savor them.



2 comments:

  1. Love you Jaci. I cry for everything too. I don't know what it is, I just cannot stop myself. I've learned to just be ok with it, and my boys asking me questions about it all the time. It just is what mommy is. Haha.

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