Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sexy Back

I survived my first weekend back at work, and honestly, I liked it.  I missed it.  Slowly I am able to blend the idea of the working momma and the at home momma, learning that it is OK for me to love both.  That I can be a better mom by also doing what I love and working and challenging myself.  I am learning it is good for Grayson to see me working, for him to spend time with other people that love him.  Granted I lost my cool when I was supposed to work Tuesday night, and said lovely child pulled one of his sleepless days, which then led to a sleepless day before a 12 hour shift for this momma.  Luckily I was called off and did not go bonkers.  Grayson proceeded to spend a great deal of the night awake, so I was awake and not making any money, but alas it was still time with my babe.

My mom is leveling off again, and honestly, it pisses me off.  I want as much time with her as I can get, but it is so hard to be constantly preparing my heart for the loss and then to have it dragged out.  It is also hard when I know my mom is ready for an upgrade.  She is eating a bit more now, but this still isn't a life anyone would envision for themselves   So I will continue to pray for her to quickly and painlessly go to her forever home.  

I had a sick and twisted dream the other day.  My mom had asked her hospice nurse what she could do to speed up this process (yes we are all morbid and twisted).  She said she can stop eating and drinking (sounds like loads of fun) or over exert herself which might cause another heart attack (which is difficult to do when my mom can barely muster the energy to get up to use the bathroom).  So in my dream I was with my mom and she decided she wanted to dance.  When she got up and we started dancing to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake, she did indeed have another heart attack and I hugged her as she danced into heaven.  I do believe that there will be dancing to "Sexy Back" in heaven.  I woke up sobbing.  This up and down is hard.  This limbo land is hard.  Wanting peace and time all at once feels impossible and counter intuitive.  So I will hope for more good days.  I will hope for more conversations between her and Grayson, which are indeed the sweetest things in the world (he likes to coo and talk to her more than anyone else).  And I will continue to hope for eternal peace.

Life with my babe is so different than I expected.  He puked in my bed yesterday, and I still hadn't gotten clean sheets on it by the end of the day.  Having spent a great deal of my life with children, I thought I would have this whole parenting thing nailed down.  I thought my kid would sleep and my boobs would work flawlessly.  Ha.  It is all a learning curve, and slowly I will adjust to this new normal.  I will let go of all the dust bunnies that reside on my floor.  I will get over the fact that I used to make really cute shirts for my friends babies, but have yet to make a single thing for my own because I can't even get sheets on a freaking bed.  I am learning that Grayson is just a really hands on kiddo and he's mine for a reason.  So I will cherish him and love him and start to taper off the inappropriate things I say in his presence in the wee hours of the morn before he can repeat such things.  Baby steps.  I will take baby steps.  Because even now as I type this, my little squirt is actually taking a nap and it has been more than 20 minutes.  Hallelujah.  

Speaking of "Sexy Back," I joined Weight Watchers with my sister.  I also started doing Insanity with Jon.  Unfortunately I got really sick last week and fell off the insanity boat.  I will get back on that one tonight or tomorrow.  But it's time to get my own sexy and body back.  Apparently pregnancy weight doesn't just fall off of me.  So I will work for it, and I'm so grateful to not have to work alone.  And I will have to exclusively breastfeed my child for the next 2 years because those 14 extra points make a big freaking difference.  Just kidding.  Kind of.  I really like those points.  Maybe I will just pump forever.  Or maybe not.  O.K. I'm done rambling.  Jon and I took embarrassing "before" pictures to be able to turn in for an insanity T-shirt.  We will do anything for a t-shirt.  If the "after" pictures are flipping fantastic, maybe I will post the "before".

Decided this post needed some Grayson pictures:

I kind of love the stink face.  How is my babe three months old?

1 comment:

  1. So sorry for you, it seems like all you want is to say good bye to you mom. God has a plan for your Mother and all I can say is that she is able to see Graysons 2nd birthday! If you were in your mothers place, Grayson would not want you gone!