My mom is coming home tomorrow. Really and truly. I kind of still don't believe it.
Similar to how I still cannot grasp that this is our life. That my mom is here and alive, but things are so different.
We were driving to see my mom before my baby shower on Saturday and I had a "what the expletive" moment. Are we seriously driving to see my amputee mother who is most likely going to die without a heart transplant? My mom who has been admitted to a hospital for almost 90 straight days. When in the heck did this happen? Oh, and we are having a baby? Really, I'm pregnant? Maybe I should make that announcement again because it surely didn't set in yet. Can I just gestate like an elephant? Because I am pretty sure I have at least six more months left in me.
I got angry when Jock Jams "Are Your Ready for This" came on the radio. No longer will I listen to 101.1. In case you don't know what I am referring to and aren't transported back to the days of Michael Jordan, I added it to my play list for your listening pleasure. You're welcome.
No, I am not ready for this. I wasn't ready three months ago and I sure as heck am not ready now. So get your crappy song off the radio and cut a girl some slack.
At least I didn't think I was ready. While you can never truly prepare to watch a giant male nurse jump on your mom's cracked sternum and begin chest compressions to save her life, you can surround yourself with people who jump in next to you in that moment. People who love you and challenge you. People who pray for your and drop expletives along side you as you realize that the pretty picture you once painted of your life may look a little different now.
So while you can never really feel ready, I know I still stand on solid ground. And I do not stand alone. I will forever be grateful for the support we have in our lives, for the people that love our family and love my mom. This has been the hardest three months of my life, but I have had some of the richest moments.
I am petrified and ecstatic of this next step. My mom just texted me "13 hours". That is all that remains. I bet she doesn't sleep tonight because it will be like Christmas morning tomorrow. I bet I sleep like a freaking rock because I worked last night, got next to no sleep today, and just called in sick because I think I might puke on a patient with this migraine. Honestly, I am really proud of myself for calling in sick. I am reminding myself it is OK for me to take care of myself and my unborn babe. It is much easier for me to take care of everyone else, but at some point, I will burn out.
So tonight I will rest. I will rest in the fact that my mom is FINALLY coming home. I will rest in the fact that I am still pregnant. I will rest in the fact that I am a child of God and that He has not walked away as my world crumbled around me. I will rest next to my amazing husband. I would not want to walk this journey hand in hand with anyone else. Tonight I will rest. Because tomorrow and the weeks to come will be freaking insane, in a mostly good way.
Please pray for us as we go to follow up appointments, as we continue to pursue her candidacy for a heart. We still have not been approved for medicaid or disability, and it is an uphill battle. Please pray that it falls into place. We will be having a fund raiser to help with some of the medical costs until that comes through, please pray for provision and grace, as asking for help is not my strong suit. Please just pray, we appreciate every single prayer, big or small, whispered or shouted. One day at a time we will march on, and I cannot wait to march my mom's skinny butt into my front door tomorrow. I cannot wait to show her our nursery. I cannot wait to see her on our terms and eat good food. I seriously cannot wait.
Take that Jock Jams.