Friday, July 20, 2012


Part of me wanted to wait to write anything until I had some really awesome, good news.  So instead I just haven't written anything, honestly because I just don't know what to say.  Waiting is hard.  Living day by day is hard.  I am a die hard planner, and I can't tell you what is going to happen tomorrow.  Living in this limbo land is taking a toll on all of us, including my mom.

I wish we could all stomp our feet and take a break.  Make this go away for just a little bit.  Give her a different view besides the parking lot for an hour.  In the beginning we were just grateful for her to be alive, and now we are starting to grieve the life we won't necessarily get back.  This life may be more rich, more meaningful and better, but it is unknown, hard, and scary.  So we will keep marching, and learn to figure how to play these cards we were dealt.

We are waiting still to make a plan on her foot.  There was a chance nothing would happen during this hospitalization, but I'm starting to wonder if they will move forward before she goes to rehab.  In the meantime we are trying to get her cleared for rehab to start early next week.  She has not needed dialysis in the past 6 days, so we are hoping they can remove that line before she goes as well.  Good little steps, but not the big leaps and bounds that fuel you to keep running.  Running is so much more fulfilling than this steady pace jog.

Just a side funny note that I want to make sure I don't forget.  My mom's main cardiologist we lovingly have referred to as Dr. "Carefree."  Nothing ever seemed like a big deal, until he was all frazzeled before she tanked.  He was also pretty socially stone cold as well.  Whatever, if you are smart and can take good care of my mom I don't really care how awkward you are.  Well once my mom learned a little bit of what happened to her, she reached for his hands and genuinely thanked him for saving her life the next time she saw him.  He squirmed with the physical contact and I about died laughing on the inside and then on the outside when he walked out and she let me in on the fact that she just liked messing with him.  Well wouldn't you know, he reached for her hands the next day he saw her.

My mom is constantly waffling between the up and down.  And I do my best to not try to cheer her up and fix it.  She is entitled to her bad days, and her tears.  And really, I can't fix it.  I can just be there and cry with her when she needs someone else to sit in the shit with her.

So today I will bring her the back scratcher I bought so that she can relinquish the butter knife she kept from her breakfast yesterday.  I will wash her hair because it is about 20 minutes worth of heaven in her eyes.  I will put lotion on her skinny little Joannie chicken legs that she now rocks.  And I will cry again with her if that is what she needs.

At the risk of being stalked, I would love it if we could overwhelm my mom with cards of love, funny stories, and honest encouragement.  The situation does suck a bit, but it sucks a little less when you know you are not fighting alone.  I will deliver all of them to her.  Promise.

244 N Hamlin Ave.
Park Ridge, IL 60068

Would you keep praying?  Pray for her foot, that the best decision would be made and that we would all have peace about it.  Pray for her spirit and for God to be even more present.  Pray for her itching, as it is driving her insane.  Pray that we would financially know how to manage this and be able to take care of her.  Pray for God's provision, because right now I cannot see a good solution to many of the things we will face.  Pray that all of us would be able to take care of ourselves while we care for her.  Pray for fuel and energy, as we all hit our different walls.  God is big enough, so I will trust in that.


  1. I feel so bad for all your Mom is going through. Tell her I'm always thinking of her and storming heaven that our prayers are answered. You're such a good daughter kiddo.
    God bless you.

  2. "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear." Ps 46
    Praying for physical and emotional healing. Praying for strength in the face of despair. Praying for wisdom and discernment. Take care of yourself.

  3. praying daily! celebrate the little victories! hoping she will be on the road to home sweet home soon. - dana xoxoox

  4. Jaci, peace of mind is available to you right now. It's hard to recognize it while in the throws of physical and emotional uncertainty. But, be aware that it IS there, now. It can take a long time to quiet our thoughts and just wait on God to direct our path (especially for those of us who like to plan and outline!). "For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." (Isaiah 54: 10) Being still and listening for that "still, small voice" can bring peace of mind. I learned that nobody has a better plan than God. You are all in God's constant care. Love, Mrs. Bell