Saturday, May 28, 2011


I haven't wanted to write at all lately because I have been down.  Or blue.  Or sad.  Or I have no the idea what the heck to call it, but my mental chant to focus on the positive just hasn't been cutting it as of late.  And I have been scared to share with people where I am really at.  Scared that they will get sick of hearing about it.  That they will get sick of asking how I am, because I am not good at lying.  Sick of hearing about the hours I don't think I can work one more week.  Sick of hearing about the financial hell-hole we dug ourselves into with grad school. (Sometimes the delusional part of me wishes that was credit card debt instead so I would have an awesome pair of jeans to show for it and at least my butt could look awesome, but I digress.)  So instead of sharing and letting people share the burden, I have retreated and isoloated.  Probably for the first time in my life.  This is not my typical M.O. and I really didn't want to write it down and document that I have been mastering the art of isolation. 

However, I tend to drive the truth bus when I talk to other people, so I am going to start driving it into myself.  While it is currently easier to be alone, it really isn't good for me.  I need to spend time with friends who are willing to seek me out and listen one more time when I tell them where I am honestly at.  When I tell them that the feelings seem so much bigger than my logic.  I know I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams (minus the good butt jeans...kidding), but for one reason or another there is something rooted deep in me that just feels like total crap and I'm still figuring out what it is. 

If I haven't called in a while, or it seems like I've pulled away...I'm sorry and keep pursuing.  I'm walking back, I just tend to rock the baby steps.  I kinda think posts suck without pictues, so maybe this boring post will motivate me to upload some pictures to my new computer, or *gasp* take some new ones. :)

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